Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Audrey Scarlett
I have unfortunately become quite aware that losing a child is more common than it should be. Being pregnant and giving birth is a miracle all in itself and there is going to be complications from time to time. I hate the fact that I happen to have had some complications that led to losing my baby at 5 1/2 months pregnant. All my hopes, dreams, plans for the future came to an unexpected end on November 18th 2010.
I was experiencing nagging lower back pain and some other symptoms that prompted me to call my doctor. She had me come in the next day. My appointment was at noon, and I was sitting the waiting area playing on my cell phone, and looking on facebook. I actually just congratulated a friend that announced she was pregnant. Then, my name was called and I went into the exam room.
As I was sitting on the table I felt a very light contraction. My stomach knotted with fear. I have a son already and have been through labor pains before, so I knew what I was feeling was real contractions. When the second contraction came I called my husband who was at work. I started to cry on the phone with him. He asked me why I was crying and I told him I was scared. I knew I shouldn't be having contractions this early in pregnancy. I was only 22 weeks.
My doctor came in and immediately examined me. She looked dead into my eyes and said, "I don't think your baby is going to make it." Everything after that is a blur... next thing I know there are about 6 paramedics (2 were firefighters) strapping me down to a gurney and wheeling me out of her office. It sucks because as they wheeled me down the hallway I just remember looking at the lights on the ceiling telling myself this isn't real. She was going to be fine.
My mom and husband met me at the hospital. The ride took forever, and now the pain was unbearable. It was starting to hit me that I was going to be delivering my baby that day. I do remember my doctor telling me in her office that my "water sac" was showing and that there was probably no way to stop labor from happening. And at this gestational age, Baby Audrey was not going to be able to breathe on her own.
It got to the point where the contractions felt like one continuous contraction that would just get stronger or weaker, but still hurt like the dickens none the less. I fought off the epidural for as long as possible. I knew once that thing was in, I was delivering her. I did not want to be the one that decided to bring her into this world, just for her to be taken away from me. Maybe, just maybe there would be some way to keep her in longer and for the contractions to end. They did give me a couple injections that were supposed to help stop the contractions, but they did not work. With every contraction I felt her slipping out. I asked for the epidural.
20 minutes later I was holding the most beautiful and tiny little girl I have ever laid eyes on. She was mine. She was the one I have been dreaming about, felt moving in my belly for the last 8 weeks, and the one I would have to give to God immediately. My husband spoke all the words that I could not. He told her out loud where she could hear, that we loved her so much and that our son and ALL of our family members love and will miss her forever. And that we are sorry. Sorry that we had no idea there was an infection present that would cause the preterm labor and take her away from us forever. I got to hold her first and I looked at her through tears that I could not stop. The pain I felt at that moment was heart wrenching, to hold my innocent baby and not be able to help her was unbearable. There was nothing I could do but just stare at her. I am her mommy and I felt responsible to keep her healthy and safe. She was so beautiful, and I couldn't help but noticed that she had my husband and son's butt chin. I also noticed her heartbeat that I saw moments before had stopped.
Today is exactly 4 weeks since Audrey was taken away from us.
There is not a single day that I don't cry for her. For all the things that I wanted to share with her. For all the things that mothers get to do with their daughters. But I am learning to grieve. So I have my good moments and my really sad. It has helped so much that I have the best family and friends who've let me talk about her. That is how I am healing this hole in my heart. Talking and crying about her has and is helping me get through my day, so I can still be me. I know I will miss her everyday, and I am not expecting it to get any easier in the near future but I will never stop talking about her or loving her. I miss her so bad, I miss being pregnant and talking to her. All of that has been taken away from my family and we have to deal with the hand we have been given. And I am trying.
I was experiencing nagging lower back pain and some other symptoms that prompted me to call my doctor. She had me come in the next day. My appointment was at noon, and I was sitting the waiting area playing on my cell phone, and looking on facebook. I actually just congratulated a friend that announced she was pregnant. Then, my name was called and I went into the exam room.
As I was sitting on the table I felt a very light contraction. My stomach knotted with fear. I have a son already and have been through labor pains before, so I knew what I was feeling was real contractions. When the second contraction came I called my husband who was at work. I started to cry on the phone with him. He asked me why I was crying and I told him I was scared. I knew I shouldn't be having contractions this early in pregnancy. I was only 22 weeks.
My doctor came in and immediately examined me. She looked dead into my eyes and said, "I don't think your baby is going to make it." Everything after that is a blur... next thing I know there are about 6 paramedics (2 were firefighters) strapping me down to a gurney and wheeling me out of her office. It sucks because as they wheeled me down the hallway I just remember looking at the lights on the ceiling telling myself this isn't real. She was going to be fine.
My mom and husband met me at the hospital. The ride took forever, and now the pain was unbearable. It was starting to hit me that I was going to be delivering my baby that day. I do remember my doctor telling me in her office that my "water sac" was showing and that there was probably no way to stop labor from happening. And at this gestational age, Baby Audrey was not going to be able to breathe on her own.
It got to the point where the contractions felt like one continuous contraction that would just get stronger or weaker, but still hurt like the dickens none the less. I fought off the epidural for as long as possible. I knew once that thing was in, I was delivering her. I did not want to be the one that decided to bring her into this world, just for her to be taken away from me. Maybe, just maybe there would be some way to keep her in longer and for the contractions to end. They did give me a couple injections that were supposed to help stop the contractions, but they did not work. With every contraction I felt her slipping out. I asked for the epidural.
20 minutes later I was holding the most beautiful and tiny little girl I have ever laid eyes on. She was mine. She was the one I have been dreaming about, felt moving in my belly for the last 8 weeks, and the one I would have to give to God immediately. My husband spoke all the words that I could not. He told her out loud where she could hear, that we loved her so much and that our son and ALL of our family members love and will miss her forever. And that we are sorry. Sorry that we had no idea there was an infection present that would cause the preterm labor and take her away from us forever. I got to hold her first and I looked at her through tears that I could not stop. The pain I felt at that moment was heart wrenching, to hold my innocent baby and not be able to help her was unbearable. There was nothing I could do but just stare at her. I am her mommy and I felt responsible to keep her healthy and safe. She was so beautiful, and I couldn't help but noticed that she had my husband and son's butt chin. I also noticed her heartbeat that I saw moments before had stopped.
Today is exactly 4 weeks since Audrey was taken away from us.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Hello, Santa!
Jack and I took a trip to the mall this morning and saw Santa. He was reaching out for me the whole time so Santa had to grab his hands and give him a hug for the photo. I am bummed that Santa's arms are covering up the cool Jabba the Hutt shirt that Aunt Vy got him. Hope Santa heard that Jack wants anything to do with Disney's "Cars" movie. That boy goes into a trance when that movie comes on! 
Thanksgiving
This is little boy on Thanksgiving. We had some friends over past his bedtime so we woke him up to come play with everyone. We had so much fun that night, despite the tragedy that took place the week before. We had lots of things and people to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving, but we couldn't more thankful for Jack and the chance that we were given to meet Audrey. I love you Jack, and love you Audrey, you both will forever be in our hearts.
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